My Personal Struggle With Depression

This blog post was originally posted over at the Roadshow Blondes web site where they are raising awareness about suicide prevention. Please visit their site and support them in any way you can.

Hi, my name is Jason Armstrong and in the past, I suffered from clinical depression. I’m writing about it here on The Roadshow Blondes blog because they’re trying to raise awareness about suicide prevention. Depression, if left untreated can lead to suicide. So the two are closely related. I’m also writing because of the negative stigma that depression and the treatment for depression have. The stigma has lessened over the years for sure, but it still exists. I’m just hoping that if any of you reading this suffers from depression that I can in some way help you realize that getting proper treatment is what you should be concerned about and not what people will think.

My personal struggle with depression began back in 1993. At the time, I was a rookie police officer in my hometown of Beaumont, TX. I was so excited about my new career! Until this point, I had thought for a good portion of my life that being a police officer was what I was meant to do. Why did I think this? How did I get to this point?

Years before, when I was just a kid in middle school, I was on my way home one day after school and while riding my bike was pushed by an older kid into a ditch where a large thorn punctured my right hand which was extremely painful. Years later, while I was in high school, I was repeatedly bullied by an older guy in gym class. There were a few other instances like these during my youth.

To counteract these types of situations, I compensated (and I understand now that I actually overcompensated somewhat) by taking martial arts lessons, joining the U.S. Army after high school and finally becoming a police officer. Not only did I hate being bullied or taken advantage of I also hated seeing others suffer these indignities, so I made it my goal to make sure I could protect myself and others in the future.

So, I had only just graduated the police academy a few months before when I began to realize being a police officer was not for me. I found that I just wasn’t cut out for it. Sure, I easily passed the physical and mental tests. I could shoot well and had been trained in hand-to-hand combat, but I just didn’t like the work. It wasn’t what I had thought it would be.

As I began struggling with these feelings of doubt about my chosen career, I was working one night and received a call over the radio from a fellow rookie who had gone through and graduated from the academy with me. He and his training partner were requesting my partners and my presence at their location and they wouldn’t say why. We were definitely curious as we arrived on the scene.

My friend met me in the street and the first words out of his mouth were “I think you know this guy.”

I had no idea who or what he was talking about. He proceeded to tell me that he thought I used to work with this guy… this guy that had comitted suicide. My mind began racing thinking who it could be and when he told me his name, it was like a punch in the gut. Yes, I had indeed worked with the guy at a previous employer. We had become good friends. Wow. Just wow. I didn’t know what to think or do.

So now, not only was doubt beginning to creep in about my job as a police officer, but a friend had just killed himself while I was on duty. Needless to say, the next few weeks were really tough.

Finally, I did decide to quit my job as a police officer. It was literally the hardest thing I had ever done in my life to that point. By far. It really hurt me deeply. This is when the depression took hold. I had never dealt with anything like this before. I had always been so independent and self-reliant. I was just completely lost.

I think it was my Mom that recommended that I go see a therapist. It took me awhile, but I finally did. I cried most of the first session just letting it all out. It’s amazing just how much I had kept bottled up inside of me. It was the most liberating feeling to let it all out. I had also dealt with anger issues all during my youth (I’m sure partially, if not mostly as a result of the bullying I had endured when younger). The only way I knew of to deal with stress and anger was through acting out and hitting something. I’ve never hit anyone in anger, even to this day, but the walls of my childhood home had to spackled more than a few times! Also, I was always taught that men don’t cry, which I now understand is completely stupid.

The therapy turned out to be incredible for me. The doctor helped me see things from a different perspective. Different from the very narrow view I had of things on my own.

I also took medication, which really helped me quickly and in the short term until the therapy really began to take hold.

This, in addition to helping abate the negative stigma of depression, is the real crux of why I’m writing. If you get nothing else out of this blog post, please understand the importance of the therapy over the medication. The medication is nice and helpful in the short term, but the therapy is absolutely necessary for long term health. The therapy is what actually heals.

So, after a few months of therapy, I started to get back to normal and live life with the same zeal I had before. I realized that being a police officer was just a job and there would be others. Little did I know at the time, numerous others. Looking back, I am so very glad that I’m not a police officer now. I have a tremendous amount of respect and love for those that do the job on a daily basis, but it was just not for me.

I really learned some valuable life lessons by dealing with depression. Lessons that have served me well and will continue to for the rest of my life. The biggest is just how lucky we all really are. We’re here for such a relatively short period of time and we really must make the most of it. It sounds cliche to say it, but it’s so very true.

So, in closing I’ll leave you with a few final points.

1.) Do not be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. We all need help sometimes and it takes the most courage to admit we need it. The rest (to me anyway) is relatively easy after that.

2.) I always imagined that my friend that committed suicide probably thought that he was at the end of his proverbial rope and that no one could help him with his situation. That he had gone too far down a road and couldn’t turn back. This thinking couldn’t be further from the truth. IT’S NEVER TOO LATE. It’s never to late to say stop. I quit. No more. And seek help.

3.) Talk to someone. Talk to your best friend. Talk to your parents. Talk to your brother or sister. Talk to your priest or pastor. Your teacher. Anyone. They may not have the answers you need, but they can help you find the person who does. Trust me. They can help and they want to more than you can possibly imagine.

4.) Go to therapy. Go until the doctor or therapist tells you that you’re well. Don’t try to make this decision on your own. They are the professionals. Let them help you.

5.) Don’t rely on medication alone. The therapy is what really heals you in the long run and teaches you the coping skills to allow you to deal with things in the future.