Elegant Machines

This blog post was originally posted over at the Roadshow Blondes web site where they are raising awareness about suicide prevention. Please visit their site and support them in any way you can.

Hi, my name is Jason Armstrong and in the past, I suffered from clinical depression. I’m writing about it here on The Roadshow Blondes blog because they’re trying to raise awareness about suicide prevention. Depression, if left untreated can lead to suicide. So the two are closely related. I’m also writing because of the negative stigma that depression and the treatment for depression have. The stigma has lessened over the years for sure, but it still exists. I’m just hoping that if any of you reading this suffers from depression that I can in some way help you realize that getting proper treatment is what you should be concerned about and not what people will think.

My personal struggle with depression began back in 1993. At the time, I was a rookie police officer in my hometown of Beaumont, TX. I was so excited about my new career! Until this point, I had thought for a good portion of my life that being a police officer was what I was meant to do. Why did I think this? How did I get to this point?

Years before, when I was just a kid in middle school, I was on my way home one day after school and while riding my bike was pushed by an older kid into a ditch where a large thorn punctured my right hand which was extremely painful. Years later, while I was in high school, I was repeatedly bullied by an older guy in gym class. There were a few other instances like these during my youth.

To counteract these types of situations, I compensated (and I understand now that I actually overcompensated somewhat) by taking martial arts lessons, joining the U.S. Army after high school and finally becoming a police officer. Not only did I hate being bullied or taken advantage of I also hated seeing others suffer these indignities, so I made it my goal to make sure I could protect myself and others in the future.

So, I had only just graduated the police academy a few months before when I began to realize being a police officer was not for me. I found that I just wasn’t cut out for it. Sure, I easily passed the physical and mental tests. I could shoot well and had been trained in hand-to-hand combat, but I just didn’t like the work. It wasn’t what I had thought it would be.

As I began struggling with these feelings of doubt about my chosen career, I was working one night and received a call over the radio from a fellow rookie who had gone through and graduated from the academy with me. He and his training partner were requesting my partners and my presence at their location and they wouldn’t say why. We were definitely curious as we arrived on the scene.

My friend met me in the street and the first words out of his mouth were “I think you know this guy.”

I had no idea who or what he was talking about. He proceeded to tell me that he thought I used to work with this guy… this guy that had comitted suicide. My mind began racing thinking who it could be and when he told me his name, it was like a punch in the gut. Yes, I had indeed worked with the guy at a previous employer. We had become good friends. Wow. Just wow. I didn’t know what to think or do.

So now, not only was doubt beginning to creep in about my job as a police officer, but a friend had just killed himself while I was on duty. Needless to say, the next few weeks were really tough.

Finally, I did decide to quit my job as a police officer. It was literally the hardest thing I had ever done in my life to that point. By far. It really hurt me deeply. This is when the depression took hold. I had never dealt with anything like this before. I had always been so independent and self-reliant. I was just completely lost.

I think it was my Mom that recommended that I go see a therapist. It took me awhile, but I finally did. I cried most of the first session just letting it all out. It’s amazing just how much I had kept bottled up inside of me. It was the most liberating feeling to let it all out. I had also dealt with anger issues all during my youth (I’m sure partially, if not mostly as a result of the bullying I had endured when younger). The only way I knew of to deal with stress and anger was through acting out and hitting something. I’ve never hit anyone in anger, even to this day, but the walls of my childhood home had to spackled more than a few times! Also, I was always taught that men don’t cry, which I now understand is completely stupid.

The therapy turned out to be incredible for me. The doctor helped me see things from a different perspective. Different from the very narrow view I had of things on my own.

I also took medication, which really helped me quickly and in the short term until the therapy really began to take hold.

This, in addition to helping abate the negative stigma of depression, is the real crux of why I’m writing. If you get nothing else out of this blog post, please understand the importance of the therapy over the medication. The medication is nice and helpful in the short term, but the therapy is absolutely necessary for long term health. The therapy is what actually heals.

So, after a few months of therapy, I started to get back to normal and live life with the same zeal I had before. I realized that being a police officer was just a job and there would be others. Little did I know at the time, numerous others. Looking back, I am so very glad that I’m not a police officer now. I have a tremendous amount of respect and love for those that do the job on a daily basis, but it was just not for me.

I really learned some valuable life lessons by dealing with depression. Lessons that have served me well and will continue to for the rest of my life. The biggest is just how lucky we all really are. We’re here for such a relatively short period of time and we really must make the most of it. It sounds cliche to say it, but it’s so very true.

So, in closing I’ll leave you with a few final points.

1.) Do not be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. We all need help sometimes and it takes the most courage to admit we need it. The rest (to me anyway) is relatively easy after that.

2.) I always imagined that my friend that committed suicide probably thought that he was at the end of his proverbial rope and that no one could help him with his situation. That he had gone too far down a road and couldn’t turn back. This thinking couldn’t be further from the truth. IT’S NEVER TOO LATE. It’s never to late to say stop. I quit. No more. And seek help.

3.) Talk to someone. Talk to your best friend. Talk to your parents. Talk to your brother or sister. Talk to your priest or pastor. Your teacher. Anyone. They may not have the answers you need, but they can help you find the person who does. Trust me. They can help and they want to more than you can possibly imagine.

4.) Go to therapy. Go until the doctor or therapist tells you that you’re well. Don’t try to make this decision on your own. They are the professionals. Let them help you.

5.) Don’t rely on medication alone. The therapy is what really heals you in the long run and teaches you the coping skills to allow you to deal with things in the future.

I am really excited about the iPad. I was excited about it before Steve Jobs showed it to the world last week (see my blog post about it here) and I’m even more excited about it now. I’d buy one today if they were available.

I’ve been reading about it since last week in various blogs (I’m a fan of John Gruber at DaringFireball.net) and newspaper websites. I’ve also listened to more than a few podcasts that focused on it (some faves are This Week in Tech with Leo Laporte as well as Laporte’s MacBreak Weekly and the gdgt podcast with Ryan Block and Peter Rojas.) So if you don’t have the time or want to put the effort into taking in all of the above, I’ve got my version of a digest for you below. Doing all the hard work for you :-)

So having taken all of this in and thought a good deal about the iPad and what it means for computing, there are a few things that have made particular sense to me. Remember, these are not my ideas, just my personal affirmations of them. You can read/listen to the above sources and you’ll be exposed to the same material I’ve been.

One of the worst analogies I’ve heard about the iPad is that “it’s just like a big iPod Touch” or iPhone. Just because they share qualities, doesn’t make them the same at all. The iPad also looks a lot like the screen from my 13” MacBook. Do they share the same qualities or characteristics? A few, sure. They look similar (at a glance). They’re both made of aluminum and have a glass display surface, but that’s where the comparison ends. This is just a red herring.

People have also been pointing out numerous “faults” with the iPad. A few include “It doesn’t have a camera.”, “It can’t multitask.”, “I can’t run whatever software I want on it.” and there were many others.

I’m not going to address each of the above individually, but rather collectively by simply saying - so what? It’s Apple’s product, not yours. You don’t make it, you don’t get to decide what goes into it. Harsh? Sure, but so is life. Sometimes. Apple is trying to give customers (who want to buy the device) the best experience possible. One of the most impressive things I’ve heard from Leo Laporte, John Gruber and others is about the incredible speed. In addition to the speed is the stability. Speed and stability would probably rank in the top 5 of desired traits of a computing device, if not right at 1 and 2.

From what I’ve read/heard, Apple’s new A4 processor is likely responsible for the blazing speed and as for the stability? I’d say platform (iPhone OS) maturity and the fact that Apple controls all of the hardware used and can write the software to work with it perfectly. People harp on Apple and their control issues, but this is what it gets you. Incredible stability.

Media Consumption Device

I believe it was Andy Ihnatko who stated on TWiT that the iPad is a “Media Consumption Device” and I couldn’t agree more. The iPad is for browsing the web, reading books, periodicals and newspapers, watching video and listening to music and podcasts. It’s all about consuming content and being the best device for that on the market. It’s not about creating content. For that, use a laptop.

They Want the Thing in the Movies

One blog post I will link directly to, because it’s one of the most poignant I’ve read about the iPad is this one - The Failure of Empathy. Two quotes that really sum it up for me and speak volumes are “It’s the subtraction of 20lbs of textbooks in my son’s backpack, and the device I finally feel comfortable buying my parents.” and “They want the thing in the movies.”

Yep. I want to buy the iPad for my 70+ year old parents and yep, I want the thing in the movies too. Until I get my flying car and jet pack, it’ll suffice very nicely.